Loves Lost and Gained
by Garrett
Summary: Xander reminisces about Willow, and finds someone else. Start of an as-yet untitled series. Spoilers through "Help".


She wrote love poems. About me. My Willow wrote love poems about me.

I shouldn't be so happy about it, but I can't help myself. It's Willow. And once, she was so deeply in love with me that she wrote about it.

Until I broke her heart.

Of course, it's not that simple. I broke Willow's heart every day back then, partly because I didn't notice her, but mostly because I was afraid. Afraid of hurting her even more, and afraid of losing her.

Until it actually happened.

I'll never forget when I lost Willow as long as I live. It was the moment she realized I had been with Faith. No, not "been with". I fucked her. It wasn't even sex, and it certainly wasn't anything close to making love. I fucked Faith, and I lost Willow. It's amazing that we're still close friends, what with how I hurt her that day.

Until today, I had allowed myself to forget what it was like to be in love with Willow, and to have her in love with me. Knowing what it felt like, and knowing that I had lost it had driven me to Oxnard and that horrible, lonely summer.

By the time I came back, I had forgotten, and so had Willow. She had Oz, and it wasn't long before I had Anya. Then she had Tara, and we were friends again. And that was good enough.

Until today.

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Still troubled by Cassie's prediction and unable to sleep because of it, Buffy walked downstairs to do some more research in the hopes of finding something, *anything*, to save the troubled teen's life. She was surprised, however, to find Xander sitting in front of Willow's laptop, looking intently at the screen. "Xander? I thought you'd gone home."

"Couldn't sleep," he murmured, barely acknowledging the Slayer as he continued to gaze at the monitor before him.

"Find anything new?"

"Nope," replied Xander as he navigated through the site he was viewing. "Just doing a little recreational research, actually."

"Recreational research?" asked Buffy skeptically. Her tone shifted as she jokingly said, "OK, mister, who are you, and what have you done with my Xander?"

"Yeah, I know," he agreed. "If Giles hears about this, he'll start preparing for the Apocalypse."

"Xander, he's a Watcher. He's *always* preparing for the Apocalypse."

Xander chuckled a little as he turned his attention to Buffy. "Oh yeah, you're right. And what's this about me being 'your' Xander?"

"Well, you're one of my best friends," admitted Buffy sheepishly. "I just assumed that I had earned Willow privileges, you know."

"I guess so," he answered. "But in order for me to be your Xander, you have to be my Buffy."

Of course, thought the Slayer as she smiled at her friend, recognizing the unique Xander logic at work. "I'm fairly certain that it can be arranged," she replied coyly. To prove her point, Buffy walked over to Xander and wrapped her arms around him as she leaned over his chair in order to get a better look at the computer monitor. "So, what are you looking at?"

"Just some sappy love poems," he said sheepishly.

"Ooh, me Buffy like sappy love poems." Buffy squinted in the darkness as she read what was on the screen. Her face quickly paled, though, as she recognized the subject of the poem. "Xander, is this....?"

"Yeah," answered a suddenly distraught and guilt-ridden Xander. "She loved me so much, Buffy...."

"She still does," replied Buffy supportively.

"But not like this," Xander said, struggling to fight back tears as he spoke. "She was the girl of my dreams, Buffy. Still is."

"I'm sorry, Xand."

"Don't be," he retorted. "It was all my fault. I was too afraid to lose her, until I did."

"You were lying, weren't you?" she asked. "You *were* thinking about her lips."

Xander nodded affirmatively. "Not consciously, at least not until Dru and her flunkies almost killed her."

"Why then?" asked Buffy, not seeing the significance of that horrible night. "What happened?"

"That's when I first realized it," he responded. "She was in that coma, and it hit me-'I'm in love with Willow. I'm *in love* with Willow.' And I just started talking to her, anything to get her to wake up. Then I told her that I loved her, and that's when she woke up. And it was over."

"I don't understand, Xander," replied Buffy. "What happened?"

"She called out for him, Buffy," answered Xander as he swallowed nervously, tears already flowing freely down onto his cheeks. "I told Willow that I loved her, and she called for Oz."

Buffy leaned her head against Xander's as she squeezed him tighter and began crying with him. "And you never told her." It was more of a statement than a question, but Xander nodded anyways.

"I couldn't, Buffy. I hoped for a while that she'd break up with Oz, and then we started fluking, and I knew then that she was still mine."

"And then you got caught."

"No, it wasn't that," he answered. "It was when she found out about me and Faith. That's when I lost her forever."

Buffy openly grimaced as she remembered the look on Willow's face that day when her childhood was shattered once and for all. "Xander, I...."

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Buff," replied Xander solemnly. "Sometimes you just can't be with the one you love."

Buffy nodded knowingly and tearfully as she stood Xander up and faced him with a serious expression on her face. "I want you to know that, no matter what, I'll always be there for you if you need me." Wrapping her arms around him, Buffy whispered something into his ear that had been true for years, but largely unspoken for most of that time. "I love you, Xander."

Xander couldn't help but smirk at the statement, but answered with just as much conviction in his voice as he said, "I love you too, Buffy."

After a brief pause, two sets of eyes, full of pain and love all at the same time, met. Instinctively, Xander leaned in towards the Slayer, much as he'd once dreamt of doing some six years before. This time, however, it was no dream as Buffy accepted the kiss and returned it, finally allowing herself to love Xander, unaware of the shadowy figure that watched their moment of happiness with a heavy heart.


End file.
